Why does a half-baked musician trained in the sciences and peacebuilding want to become a deacon? I don’t know exactly, but it seems like a good fit for where my heart is at.
You see, I always had an affinity for priests, religious and lost souls. I’m blessed with a special, familial love for them that I really can’t explain, but I’ve felt drawn to all of that since I was a toddler. While I have a special place in my heart for sisters and brothers, there is just something about being around and serving good priests that fills my soul with contentment. Granted, the role of a deacon is to serve the bishop and the Church, but I believe a big part of that responsibility is to look after the shepherds in their care too.
Some of my earliest memories involve wandering over to the rectory at my local parish, ringing the doorbell and hoping the priests would be in the mood to let me in to play and just hang out. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t, but it was always worth a shot. I spent a good part of my very early school years being babysat by the clergy instead of my parents or neighbors. Then the sisters found out, and I was able to harass them just as much as the priests. I was in heaven. I was either the biggest nerd growing up or the luckiest guy in the world.
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Nothing is more normal for me than be in and out of church and the world all day long. I have a natural inclination to be among the sick, the poor, the outcast, and the leftovers. A big part of that is because I was, and in many respects, still am, those things too.
I also like building and fixing things, I enjoy doing a million and one different things at once, and I’m good at it. I solve problems, I help, I serve and I tend to be happy (temporarily) doing things that no-one else wants to do. I also get bored easily, so multitasking is good for my sanity.
The hyper-compartmentalization of the administrative and professional side of church ministry frustrates me to a certain degree. The diaconate seems to be one of the few spaces where I may be able to have my cake and eat it too in terms of satisfying my restlessness. It’s more than that though- I like filling in gaps and supporting the connective tissue that holds things together. I hone in on needs and niches and create ways to fill them however I can in order to help the cause and touch souls.
The real question is whether or not my current archdiocese and I will be a good fit for what we’re looking for. I guess time will tell.
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The scatterbrained journey that led me to this stage of my life was a mess, but it was also preparation that I never really understood or appreciated until recently. That process turned me into a jack of all trades, with the heart of St. John the Apostle mixed with the humanity of St. Francis and zeal of St. Paul.
I’ve always wrestled with the assumption that I was meant to be a priest, and I floundered for a little while when I realized that probably isn’t the case. The diaconate may be a more suitable place for me to work with, support, encourage and protect them while serving the needs of the wider Body of Christ at the same time.
I think part of that role involves being an extension of their reach into the world in order to fill a void they’re not meant to relate to.
I can move in and out of the world more-freely, and with greater flexibility than the priesthood may allow me to do, and frankly, I have a knack for it. I’m also street smart, savvy and capable of relating to people from all walks of life and where they are at on that journey. I’ve been trained well, but I also have a long way to go.
I become holier through my time spent with priests and religious, and I help to make others holy through that. I’m growing increasingly confident that my place in the Church is to carry that in and out of the world around me. I do that to some extent now, but I also don’t feel complete or satisfied. Perhaps I can do it more-fully with the apostolic grace that comes with that office.
God only knows how I’ve selfishly carried my own cross long enough. Maybe I’m meant to carry theirs, and the cross of Jesus, instead.
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I want to cultivate in others the inclination to draw closer to priests, deacons, religious and the Church too. Despite the misgivings of a very few, we are better served by being close to our fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters.
I get it, I really do- It’s hard to trust priests nowadays, and it’s also hard for priests to be close to those they serve. It’s hard to trust the entire system right now.
The whole world is screaming about how our faith in general, and the Church in particular, is out of step with progress. Heck, there are many in active Catholic ministry who are proclaiming the same thing too. We’re questioning our faith now more than ever, and people are leaving to discover alternatives at a breathtaking pace as well.
The important, life-giving messaging from the sanctuary often gets lost before it enters our brains because of that. This one-two punch is an awful combination, and it starves us of the benefits of being transformed by the renewing of our minds.
Let’s remember that the Church in general, and our faith in particular, is not meant to be in step with the world to begin with. Ever. The idea that we shouldn’t absorb what our priests, deacons and religious try to impart on us because “it’s not relevant” anymore is ridiculous.
The only thing the “enlightened” human race is good at is hastening its own destruction.
Don’t believe me? Just look at our track record over time. Many of our very best contributions with respect to making the world a better place comes with harmful side-effects. The best we will ever do as a fallen creation will never offset the consequences of our collective sinfulness and self interest.
However, that’s not an excuse to stop trying either. There is no limit to the good we can do in the world, but those efforts should be nestled in the appropriate context. This world is lost, and irrevocably so.
We find ourselves through Jesus, and people find Jesus, and abundant life, through us.
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We, and the world, hunger to encounter God in real ways now more than ever. The way that works for Christians is pretty simple: God works through us. We are the Body of Christ. Not in some kind of abstract, theoretical way, but in reality.
That means the more connected, faithful and holy we become dramatically-increases God’s reach in and through us. A huge part of this involves frequent participation in the celebration of the Eucharist and staying close to priests, deacons, religious and lay-mentors for that special nourishment they provide. Then we all share in it and pay it forward. Rinse and repeat.
The only time the Church, as we understand it, will become irrelevant is when Jesus returns and takes over himself. Until then, we’re better off by following Jesus and being connected to the Body of Christ in the way that he set it up.
This isn’t about control or conformity like some would like us to believe either. God only knows that I’m not impressed with of some of the antics that persist within the institutional side of the Church. It is what it is. We may encounter some puffed-up soul in a white collar or habit every now and then who thinks things are all about power or control.
However, I believe the vast majority of those who live and serve in that capacity do so with the hope of setting us free.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water with respect to connecting with those who are set apart to nourish us and make us holy. Trust them, and trust God when the Holy Spirit leads you to them. We get the best nourishment when it comes from the right sources.
The deposit of faith in its fullness rests upon those who consecrate their lives fully, or sacramentally, to studying, preserving and propagating it.
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We need to understand and embrace the Christian life now more than ever. Sadly, we’re increasingly looking in all the wrong places and empowering all the wrong people to deliver that message to us and to the world. A big part of this stems from the long-term effects of not trusting the Church because of the scandal and distancing ourselves from church life because of Covid.
Getting back on the saddle and in the habit isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary.
To those of you who are seeking but not finding, stop going to the wrong places. Your heart and your soul need to be back at mass, in a place that actually believes and teaches the faith so you can be nourished and grow.
There is a silver lining in all of this though: The troubles and heartache that we’re enduring is producing a generation of fantastic and authentic priests, deacons and religious. This difficult time has also transformed many who were already in the field while all of this was going down.
I’m not young, and I’m not old, but I’ve been around long enough to watch what happens over the course of time a little bit. I believe if it wasn’t for that dark time in our lives, the world of holy orders and the consecrated life would be just as crazy now as it was back then. Our suffering wasn’t for nothing. It renewed the Church and put in place a standard that will benefit all of us for a long time to come. Yes, we still have a ways to go, but we really are headed in the right direction. Be encouraged by that.
They are treasures to us, the Body of Christ, and to the world, and they need us to look after and support them properly. How we value them is a reflection of how we value our faith and our own spiritual health and well-being. Remember that what we put into the priesthood in particular, and religious life in general, is what we get out of it. Don’t be cheap with your hearts with respect to loving, supporting and producing more of them.
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I’m blessed beyond measure to be close to the right influences at the right times in my life. You can be too.
Don’t sit around and complain or lament about the Church, the world, or anything else that bugs you about our faith. Sit at the feet of a good priest, deacon, brother or sister and be fed. Learn to trust them again, and to benefit from what they freely offer to all of us.
Getting in the habit of doing that will ignite a fire in you that will take you to places you never dreamed possible. Remember, with God, all things are possible. But, there’s the right way, and there’s the unnecessarily-complicated way to get there. Trusting and letting them shepherd you in the presence of the Holy Spirit is the right way.
The Church may be having a shortage of pretty much everything these days, but I’m doing just fine, and so can you. These folks are around, you just have to seek them out and be flexible with your time, and you will find what you need. Like everything else related to our faith today, we need to be a bit more proactive and patient. Things aren’t always at our fingertips anymore.
Seek and ye shall find, right? It’s not just some nice platitude. It’s a real, honest-to-God promise that God wants to write on our hearts. Seek them out. Perhaps I can help to make that process easier for some as time goes on too.
Even when I was far from God in my heart and in my intentions, I could only allow myself to drift to a certain point. The Holy Spirit also kept me from drifting beyond the point of no return too. I credit a lot of that to the formation I received from the influence of priests in my life, and how that foundation kept me from destroying it completely when I really wanted to. I also credit their influence on others who helped me along the way as well.
There is truth to our belief that priests and deacons receive a special apostolic grace when they are ordained, and religious are graced through their promises to serve us fully. No matter where they go or what they do with their lives, that indelible mark seems to remain on their souls. God does wondrous things through them, even when they’re not at their best. It’s a mystery, yet it’s our mystery to share in.
For the bad apples out there, my advice is simply to run from them as fast as you can, and let God lead you to the good ones. That’s all I ever really want to say on this subject. Don’t let anything that is not godly take the oxygen out of the room. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth the confusion, the frustration, the anger or the wasted time and energy. Just shake the dust off your feet and move on.
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So, why not just become a priest if I love priests so much?
It’s complicated.
I’m connected to the real world more than I was when I was discerning that option in earnest back in the day. I have commitments and responsibilities to others. I have a cat. I don’t want to live in a seminary in the middle of nowhere for four to five years when I could be serving in the real world now. It’s just impractical. I also learned how to love and become part of a community instead of yearning to run away or completely set myself apart from it.
Things change. We change, but by God’s grace, those changes are for the better.
I also wouldn’t be able to make music, teach, write and mentor others to the degree I can now if I was responsible for a parish, or for saying mass every day either, so there’s that too.
More importantly, I realized that I don’t need to be the guy who consecrates the Eucharist. I’m content to be the guy who hands it out. I don’t need to be the guy running parishes. I’m okay with being the guy who serves them. The only sacrament I would long for as a deacon would be reconciliation- I would be a really good confessor. For that alone I’d be happy to be a priest if a bishop or provincial asked, as long as the cat goes with.
Maybe I’m just more-hesitant because I’m older and have more to sacrifice than I did before too, and these are just lame excuses to avoid that. Only time will tell with respect to how all of this shakes out. God only knows, service to Holy Mother Church is certainly full of unexpected surprises.
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Meanwhile, I have music to make and books to finish, trouble to cause and souls to touch. I’ll leave you with this: Don’t give up on the Church or your faith, contribute to it. Don’t distance yourself from our spiritual parents and mentors. Draw near to them instead.
Our faith is our responsibility to nourish, both on an individual level and for the benefit of the greater good. What about you? I’m not going to let you off the hook without inviting you to take a closer look at that restlessness in your own heart too.
Do you know where your place is in God’s kingdom here on earth? If so, feel free to share your story. If not, I invite you to seek and find priests, deacons or religious to assist in guiding your own discernment about where your little corner in the Christian universe is too.
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