I returned to the Church a couple of years ago after a long, winding, painfully-horrific journey into the wilderness and back. My sins cost me more than a decade of my life, and I have to live with the consequences of that every single day. When I came home, I was expecting to make my peace with God and Holy Mother Church- to heal up, find some renewal, and then be supported, encouraged, nourished, and properly-equipped to do what God was calling me to do.
I was excited to plug into a Christian community and finally have my life take off now that I wasn’t running from God anymore. Yet, I also sensed that God wanted me to do this somewhere else. But, I doubted, resisted, and I ended up blowing up my life, destroying my bank account and almost shipwrecking my faith as a result.
Instead of that wonderful, abundant life in Christ that we’re promised, the exact opposite happened as I doubled-down and tried to do things my own way. I became dependent on some terrible relationships, both within and outside of the Church, that robbed me of my security, independence and joy.
I also found myself being manipulated, misdirected, dismissed, rejected, looked down upon and passed around like a hot potato by almost everyone in ministry here. People were either too-busy to deal with a guy like me or simply disinterested because I don’t have the right connections or pedigree. Nobody wanted to be bothered with introducing me to folks, showing me around, or connecting me with people who could mentor and companion me into my vocation.
Others kept stringing me along week after week, month after month, only to give me nothing but a shrug of the shoulders and apathetic apologies. Musicians would run, writers would not respond, or people would keep me at arm’s length because I wasn’t part of their clicks. I’ve been fed a lot of platitudes and teased with just enough hope to keep me coming back. But, in terms of anything substantive, all I ever got was the same nonsense that Jesus railed against when he took issue with the religious leaders of his time.
Words to the Wise: Bad Company Corrupts Good Character
I can guarantee you that if you get too-close to the wrong influences, you will suffer a lot spiritually. This is especially true if you don’t let God lead you to the right influences in the first place.
I got strung along by one pastor who teased me about a job for a while- all while stiffing contractors. Another came to mass so drunk that I had to help him hand out the Eucharist because the line was stalled. Another told me that I shouldn’t consider joining his religious community because they’re so dysfunctional. Another guy had so many problems that he ended up crying on my shoulder instead of the other way around.
One priest, who does parish missions nonetheless, was so burned out that he did everything he could to discourage me from trying anything related to using my gifts and talents for the greater good. This was the one guy, in the entire time I’ve been back, who actually made me feel hopeful and optimistic about living my faith in the Catholic Church. We give him money to make us feel better, but when push comes to shove, even he doesn’t have any heart and soul behind his message.
A campus ministry director at a local Catholic University actually tried to evangelize me out of the Church. He’s not even Catholic for all intents and purposes. If I wasn’t a Catholic, I’d respect him for his boldness. As a Catholic, I love him, but his presence and his messaging is confusing people and dividing the community that nurtured that school to begin with- and nobody seems to see the problem with that.
So, I ended up becoming the one with the problem.
He actually told me that he didn’t want people from the local community to be involved in his ministry because they were the wrong kind of people- You know, too-Catholic, too-white, too-conservative, yadda yadda yadda.
However, my favorite memory involves my former deacon’s wife:
I gravitated toward her after she shared some of her struggles during a time of faith sharing. I thought she was mature and grounded and that I could trust her. I shared some of my own struggles with respect to getting plugged in and trained in ministry here. I thought I found a new friend and companion. Out of the blue, she sent me a job offer for a dream DLM position downtown. I jumped on it, in no small part because she was the only person in a year who gave me any kind of breadcrumb that resembled forward progress. I really thought it was a sign, and this was finally the open door I’ve been longing for.
It wasn’t.
I took a week off of work to build my portfolio, clean up a couple of songs, polish my resume, and scramble to make and edit a practice video at the last minute. I ran out of money and food. I reached out to her to see if she could help me to find groceries for a week until I went back to work. She accused me of looking for a handout, among a bunch of other nasty things.
This happened a week after I helped them to load up food from our parish to take to local food banks by the way.
I also got bipolar answers when I bring up my desire to be ordained too. Half of people say, yes, you can, but hurry. The other half say I’m too-old and have too-much baggage. Then I reach out to vocation directors and I get nothing- they’re all on vacation or out to lunch or doing this or that. Weeks turned into months. Communicating with these guys is like playing message in a bottle across the ocean.
If vocation directors aren’t even interested in helping to orient me with respect to live out my call to consecrate myself to Jesus through the Church, then who else is there to turn to? Schools? Most of them around here are anything but Catholic in name only. Music directors and music ministries? Not a chance. They run from me, even though a big part of my call involves music. I’ve come to discover that liturgists and musicians are some of the clickiest and most stuck-up people in the ranks of the Church here.
A big part of my call is to make music and introduce it to the Church. Yet, I can’t even get anyone involved in music ministry here to help me with anything- proofreading, advice, liturgical guidance- nothing, nada. So, all the mass settings, songs and psalms I write just sit. All the while, I constantly hear people moan and groan about how dull our music programs are, and how new music could be such a great shot in the arm.
I kid you not, the closer I got to those in ministry here, the more discouraged I became.
Being Right Doesn’t Mean We’re the Best
Catholics place a lot of stock in being “right” in terms of Christian theology. Yet, most of what I’ve experienced here resembles the perception that the Catholic Church, in practice, is more of an encyclopedia or museum more than the living Body of Christ. There is certainly very little Christ-like love floating around here, let alone a living faith that resonates with people- especially disaffected Catholics, who I speak with on a daily basis.
I wrestle with why I should even bother evangelizing them back into this mess, particularly when most of their complaints are absolutely spot-on.
Of course, in all fairness, I also have the good fortune of living in one of the most-corrupt places in the country, and our Archdiocese has a long and storied history of embracing that into its own charism as well.
People often ask me about what my former pastor had to say- Frankly, I grew grey hairs waiting to see the guy. When I finally did, he didn’t even try to process what was on my heart and mind when I bore all to him. He suggested I contact the vocations office and kindly escorted me out the door.
What would I say to them- yeah, umm, my parish that didn’t accept me, or the pastor who doesn’t know me, vouched for me for aspirancy? Both of us would look like idiots. This resembles the last time I was in discernment when I had to tell them that my previous pastor refused to pray with me. I later found out that he didn’t even want to pray with me. That was awkward to say the least, and this kind of disconnect and superficiality seems to be an entrenched thing around here.
Meanwhile, everyone kept telling me to pray and to be in touch. For the better part of a year, not a single soul in any leadership role here found it worth their time or energy to embrace me, make me feel at home, introduce me to friends, help me to navigate any of this, or equip me with what I needed to grow. Not one. I’m literally begging, with my arms open wide, to be able to serve with the skill set and gifts that I have.
But no, they’re all too-busy, too-distracted and too-disinterested, because they’re all too-busy doing God’s work that has nothing to do with me.
I can’t even get permission to repair a statue of Mary in this town, who could be such a symbol of community and unity, because she’s in the wrong neighborhood and I have the wrong skin color.
The Gospel is Still Relevant and I Should Have Known Better
I can’t escape how “a prophet isn’t without dishonor in his own town” has special significance for me here. I committed a terrible sin by resisting the Holy Spirit when I was being led out of here. I rationalized, I wanted to do things my way, and I didn’t believe or trust God.
Jonah got the message after a few days. I persisted for a year, and I blew up my life because of that.
I’ve also dragged others along this path too, and they’re all looking at me, my life, and my witness. I put everything on the line to say yes to God… except for the part where I was challenged to take a step of faith and leave town.
I’m willing to accept that, but I don’t want them to be disappointed because of my antics if they end up bruising their faith. Some of them are looking to me for an excuse to live in faith for the first time, others are just waiting for this to blow up so they can reinforce their own unbelief. There are real consequences associated with the impact of my adventures here.
I’m a sinner. I’m rough around the edges. I’m a continual work in progress. But, I try to live an authentic, growth-oriented life. In my humble opinion, it’s better to be bruised, faithful and honest than to pretend to be perfect and have secrets. Yet, my experience here is that authenticity disqualifies people from getting a foot in the door.
My adventures here cost me a lot. If you saw me today, you’d think I went on a meth-binge for a couple of years from all the stress. Yet, I’m also full of a childlike faith and relentless love for the lost, broken, marginalized and forgotten.
I hope my mistake will encourage you to say yes to God instead of trying to go your own way. When God calls, answer. Nothing good comes from blowing it off, running away, or trying to do things your own way. In fact, there is a good chance that your life will self-destruct as a result.
The sad thing is that now, when I do find my spiritual home, my mess will become their burden to a certain degree too.
I surrender. I’m hitting the spiritual nuclear button and going back to where my faith was germinated for a while- first in my infant baptism, then my confirmation as an adult. Maybe if I go to where it all started, I will discover where God is leading me next. I don’t know what else to do. I just hope the Church is kinder and more hospitable while I’m there.
If things don’t grow, they die. The same can be said of our faith, and I’m tired of being starved. Jesus told us that he won’t give us a stone if we ask for bread. However, all I’ve ever received here are the stones.
I’m more-convinced than ever that my situation is just the product of my reluctance to trust God when I should have. So, I decided to put all of this to the test, pack up and move to the other side of the country where I believe I was called to serve in the first place.
Who knows what story God is going to write out of that choice, but all indications suggest I made the right one so far. Meanwhile, my advice to anyone who is being called by God is to say yes. Don’t argue, don’t resist, don’t double-down and try and do things your way. God doesn’t operate like that, and there are real consequences associated with making those kinds of choices. Sometimes God asks us to take a step of faith, to challenge us to really live out what we’re called to believe. Don’t be like me. Go all-in, and put your trust in the one who inspired those things in your heart in the first place.